Months ago I read an article by Ryan Holiday (https://medium.com/@RyanHoliday/32-thoughts-from-a-32-year-old-f7ec8b1a95a). It was a collection of 32 thoughts he had, including comments, throughout the year.
That got me thinking and wanting to do something similar. Right around that time, I was looking at the list of books I’ve read this year. I was getting pretty close to my goal so I decided to modify the goal and add a stretch goal to it; reach the goal by the middle of November.
So, 44 thoughts, 44 books, 44 years.
NOTE: These are (obviously) my thoughts, seen through my life, examined through the lens of my experiences, and told through my interpretation. Feel free to discuss anything you want but don’t waste your time explaining why I’m wrong if that’s your belief. It’s like trying to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
44 Thoughts
1. “Do not attribute to malice what can easily be attributed to ignorance (or inattention, bad mood, etc)”
This is a quote I’ve heard many times on the Tim Ferriss podcast. There are many times in life when things happen that you don’t like. Someone pulls out in front of you in traffic, the person behind you in the restaurant is being loud, your boss chews you out for something. Either all of these people are out to get you or there is some other explanation.
Chances are good that they don’t have any malicious intent, they are just busy, or oblivious, or just received some bad personal news.
Then there are those times when someone deliberately means to hurt you. You can’t control how they meant something and often times, you never really know how the meant what they said or did. You can, however, choose how you take their actions.
My default is to presume that they didn’t mean to offend me or didn’t mean it the way I took it, or that they are just crazy. Both ways work, with the end result of less frustration for me.
2. You can choose to be optimistic or you can choose to be pessimistic.
Both are valuable at times. Both are harmful at times. Optimists tend to be happier overall. You get to choose which one you are. It’s that simple, even if it may not be easy.
I choose to be optimistic as often as possible.
3. Goals can be process driven or result driven.
Both are important. Both have their pros and cons. Use them where they fit the best. You can often take the same goal and approach it from either a process perspective or a result perspective or both.
Example: if you want to lose weight but you are having trouble, focus on making a small step toward better health each day (process), not focusing on the weight you are losing or not (result). Those small steps should produce the result of weight loss which should be tracked as often as you can tolerate (daily/weekly).
Example: If you want to read a certain number of books by the end of the year, focus on reading for 1 hour per day (process) not how you can possibly make time to read all those books (goal). Every month, compare how your current results match up with your end goal. Some people get overwhelmed with 44 books to read in a year but they like to see in June, they have already read 30 books.
Example: If you want to run a certain time in a 5K, you should track your run times (results) to see your improvement while you are committing to a regular training schedule (process).
4. What gets measured gets managed (or improved, or cared for, etc)
I’ve tried goals for years but most of the time, they just frustrated me. This year, I’ve tried to reduce the focus on goals and just measure stuff.
I’ve tried to measure my fitness and sleep with a Jawbone fitness band and an Oura ring. I’ve created Key Performance Indicators (for those business types out there…..) that has helped me be a better person. Those include the number of book read throughout the year, having Spontaneous Family Adventures each month, going on regular date nights, etc. I’ve tracked my weight (daily for most of the past several years), when I go out to eat, how I spend my money (with the help of Mint), all while collecting tons of data.
And you know what? Most of it doesn’t matter (at least not to anyone but me). I can look back over the past month and see that I averaged about 7 hours of sleep. My weight typically fluctuates about 12 pounds when I do an extended fast and during most months, I weigh less at the end of the month than I do at the beginning (you’d like to think that would indicate positive progress but not necessarily)
I also can look back and know that I’ve taken my family on 3 quarterly mini-vacations and most months we do something fun as a family. Unless I was intentionally tracking stuff like that, it would not happen, at least not on a regular basis.
Unless you track the things you want to change, you’ll never know if you are getting better, getting worse, or if your action are having no effect.
5. A focused mind is a powerful tool (for good or evil)
Imagine what you could do if you could focus on one thing, just one thing, for a week at a time. Your meals are prepared, social media for the world is on pause, all your favorite shows are going to be recorded. What could YOU accomplish.
Now, imagine someone that is trying to hurt you. Same thing; focus mind. They are not concerned with anything except causing harm to you. Imagine if you can the havoc just one person can inflict when focused. Imagine how well you could defend yourself if you were focused.
The trick is to focus on the right thing for the right reasons
6. Reading is great. Reading non-fiction is better. Learning while reading non fiction is even better. Taking NOTES while learning while reading non-fiction is the bestest…
There is a saying that the person you are today and the person you will be 5 years from now are only influenced by the people you interact with and what you read.
I’m not into fiction that much and contrary to what most people think when they seem me reading something technical or generally non-fiction, I am having a great time. I can’t imagine where I’d be without the concepts I’ve learned while reading, mostly at lunch during the work week.
If you only read or listen to fiction, you’re missing out on so much of life. History is actually interesting when told by the right people. Old books are interesting and often, more valuable than current books because they have stood the test of time.
If you read and don’t take notes, chances are you are missing out on many great opportunities to look back on your thought process when you read the book. Even if you fine one interesting idea, that book can change you life.
My rule is to listen to fiction and read non-fiction. Listening to a good book makes cutting the grass seem to go much quicker. Plus, if you have a push mower, you are getting exercise while you are enjoying a good book. Win-win in my book.
If you are new to non-fiction or don’t know how to take notes, here’s a post about how I read books and take notes. Quick overview: I use sticky flags to mark interesting passages, take pictures of the flags and pages when I’m done reading, and transcribe those passages into either Evernote or a custom database I’ve build (transitioning to the database in the later part of 2019).
This may seem like a lot of work but considering how much TV we watch and how much that episode of NCIS is really helping you (since you’ve seen it 3 times already….), looking at a picture and typing a few lines or paragraph into your chosen collection method is minor. Again, you never know when a sentence will change your life, even years after you read the book.
Which brings me back to taking notes. Be sure to go back and read over your notes every so often. That one sentence that will change your life is useless if you don’t read it at the right time. That’s why re-reading books (specific books) is so important. Those specific books are going to be different for each of us and may not be obvious when you read them first.
7. Podcasts are amazing ways of being exposed to new ideas and knowledge
If you don’t listen to podcasts, you should. There are thousands and thousands out there to choose from. You can be entertained (yuck….) or you can learn something (The Tim Ferriss Show, Peter Attia’s The Drive, The Way I Heard It by Mike Rowe, Hardcore History, etc). There is no better way to spend a drive then listening to a podcast or 12.
If you don’t have a podcast app, check out AntennaPod for Android or the built-in Apple podcast player. Both are good but AntennaPod is fantastic if you are on Android. It lets you play podcasts back at higher speeds (I listen at 1.5x) to go through them even faster, while still understanding and learning from them.
It’s like reading a book but the information is often more timely since a book takes about a year to be published and as long as the host or guest doesn’t interrupt each other much (a very bad habit…..), you can learn tons of great information.
8. The world does not revolve around, but YOUR world DOES revolve around you
How many times did you hear THAT as a kid….
Turns out, whoever told you that first part was wrong.
You are the star of the movie of your life. You can be the hero or the villain. You can decide the direction of your life. You are (more or less) in control. Everyone else is a supporting actor. You are in the spotlight.
And so is everyone else. Everyone else is in a movie of their own. Some are tragedies, some are B-movies, some are action blockbusters. And you can be a supporting actor in their story.
Remember, people don’t see the world through your eyes, they see the world through their eyes, in their movie, where they are the center of attention.
9. People don’t always react to things or deal with issues like you do
Understand that. Take it to heart. Really chew on that idea, down to the marrow.
If you react to an argument by yelling and I react by fighting, one of us has a problem (most likely, both of us). If your idea of road rage is honking and middle fingers, be careful because the guy you are “communicating” with may react with a gun.
This is the main reason why the best idea is to stay out of any situation you can. As Tony Blauer says (creator of the SPEAR system), “Always choose safety.” You don’t know how the other person will react.
So, before you get into a situation that you can’t get out of, consider how your actions are being interpreted by the other person. Calm people usually get other people to calm down. Anxious people get others anxious. Crazy yelling people tend to eventually get hurt or dead.
10. Know thyself
Why do you act and react the way you do? If you don’t know, it’s advisable you find out.
We all have quirks, good and bad habits, etc. We can be nice people and we can be jerks. But above all, we can change.
Unless you understand a little about yourself, you are most likely going to be clueless how to be a better person. Know thyself…..
11. Stress inoculation works in almost (maybe every) area in life, including self defense, dealing with kids, being a first responder, etc
I taught Krav Maga for about 3.5 years. It is an AMAZING self defense system. One of the lessons I tried to impart mostly to people that did not train is this:
The first time you get punched in the face does not need to be the first time you’ve been punched in the face.
Let me explain….
If someone punches you in the face, you either run away from the situation (a really good idea), fight back, or do nothing because you are trying to process what just happened. We’ll talk more about that when we get to the thought on OODA loops.
When you are in a stressful situation, chances are good that you will do one of the following: Fight, Flight (run), or Freeze. If your mind is familiar with the situation (a physical attack, a verbal attack, someone pulling out in front of you, a snake……, etc), you will either get away from the situation as fast as possible or fight back. If this is the first time you’ve been hit or seen a wreck or had to deal with a loud verbal attack from a complete stranger, you’ll most likely not know what to do and you’ll freeze.
Stress inoculation is all about exposing you to situations so your brain knows how to handle things, even if it’s just a little and completely beyond your conscious control. That is where the right kind of training is very valuable and why Krav Maga is a great choice to defend yourself.
Not everything about stress inoculation is self defense; if you are involved in a stressful, hectic situation, you need to have some sort of past situation where your mind can help you. That is what helps doctors and nurses stay calm even when they are working to save your life. They have been through this situation or another very similar situation before.
Once you’ve had a child, the second one is much less stressful since you at least have a vague idea of how to care for the critter. I’ve heard the third kid is even easier, although they are more work. Sure, you’ve learn a lot but it also helps that you have been exposed to a bunch of stress as a parent (or caregiver) and survived….
12. Staying calm is the right choice in nearly every situation
Be nice (and calm) until it time not to be nice (and calm). Experience will teach you when that time is, but it’s most likely not where you think it is now.
Your actions and mood are contagious. If you are stressed and anxious, the people around you will most likely become stressed and anxious. If you are trying to deal with a difficult situation that you are not a part of (think of a firefighter dealing with a wreck where someone is injured), you can’t control anyone’s reactions but yours. And your reaction is contagious.
When everyone else is going crazy, staying calm may not be easy but it is almost always more useful.
13. Situational awareness is important
Always be aware of your surroundings. Know where the exits are, how to get where you are going, and for goodness sakes, pay attention to the people around you.
If you are in public and you can reach out and touch anyone, they are close enough to hurt you before you can react. Now, you may not expect that from coworkers but what about the crazy people on the streets? In Walmart?
Wherever you go, there is a potential for someone to be there that wants something from you and is willing to hurt and/or kill you to get it. The more they know you are looking and paying attention, the more they will avoid messing with you.
Same goes when you are driving. If you can’t see a few cars ahead, slow down. The speed limit is a UPPER limit, not a “I have the right to drive 10 mph over because everyone else is doing it” limit. Speed if you want, but pay attention. There are crazy drivers out there, people walking down the side of the road, and first responders that don’t want to die because you can’t get your head out of your….. phone or wherever it is.
Situational awareness: being aware of your surroundings. It’s a simple concept. The more you do it, the easier it gets.
14. Slow is smooth and smooth is fast
We’ve all seen people that try to do something too fast. Most times, it doesn’t work out as well, and it doesn’t look right. It often looks inefficient and just wrong.
If you can do something really well slow, it’s typically smoother. Once you are really good at it, you can add speed. If you can’t do it right slow, you’ll never be able to do it right fast. Slow and smooth.
The experts make their actions look effortless and relaxed. Michael Jordan did not look jerky on the court, his movements were smooth, efficient, graceful. As are the movements of high level achievers in all fields.
Slow is smooth, efficient, graceful….. smooth is fast, focused, deadly. Go slow to go fast.
15. You get what you tolerate
This is a tough one. You get what you tolerate. You get what YOU tolerate.
Take a walk around your life (figuratively….). How are you treated? How are you talked to? Do the people around you respect you?
You get what you tolerate.
So, it’s time to start tolerating less crap away from your chosen optimal. If your kids disrespect you, you are tolerating their disrespect. You don’t have to beat them to earn respect, but you will have to stop tolerating the disrespect. That will most likely mean showing them a bit of respect. Respect goes both ways.
If a friend dominates a conversation and interrupts constantly, you are tolerating that. Find a new friend. Nicely tell them to stop interrupting. Make sure YOU are not interrupting. Do no tolerate their bad behavior toward you (and YES, interrupting and dominating a conversation is BAD behavior, even for adults).
You get what you tolerate.
Your life is a combination of luck, your circumstances, and what you tolerate. We all tolerate different things to different levels.
Start by not tolerating bad behavior in yourself. Once you have that down pretty well, start paying attention to the outside world. Don’t even think about worrying about anyone else if you can’t control yourself.
You get what you tolerate.
There is a great pin I found a while back with the saying, “Do no harm, take no crap”. I really like that saying….
16. You can learn a lot about a person by how they treat someone that can not help them (immediately or long term)
This is very evident with one time interactions like meals. If you or someone you are with treats the server or person taking your order badly (or rudely, or no pleasantly, etc), that should throw up a red flag in your mind.
If you are on a date and your date is treating you great, you are having a good time. They are laughing at your jokes, complementing you on your attire, making appropriate eye contact, etc. This is a great time.
Your food arrives and your date’s food is not exactly as they wanted. They berate the server, tell them to take the nasty food back and get them something that is edible. Be very careful with people like this. Eventually, you will bear the brunt of this treatment.
17. “Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
All too often, we mistake the things we are told we have to do with the things we really have to do. Urgent, non-important matters seem to take most of our attention until you start ignoring them and focusing on the things that mean the most to you.
18. Be intentional in as much of your life as possible (or at least, in the parts that matter the most)
Think back over the past 5 years. How fast did it go by? What did you accomplish during that time? Did you just go to work (or school, or take care of the family, etc)? Did you just pass the time?
Don’t let life just happen. If you want to travel, then do something about it. Save money. Take small trips. Do some research and planning.
If you want to be a better person, go read a book. Take an online class. Find people that have the traits you wish you had and spend more time with them.
Don’t wait for things to happen because they won’t. Really, they won’t. Sure, good things may happen but most of the time, nothing interesting happens unless we are intentional about our lives.
Spend more time with your family. Save up for and take that trip. Learn that language you’ve always wanted. Be intentional with the decisions of you life.
19. You can have anything you want but you can’t have everything you want
This one is a tough one for all of us. Patience. We can all have more of that. But what about ambition?
It’s hard to wait for the things we feel we deserve. It’s even harder when everyone around us seems to be doing better (Facebook is the devil in this regard). You really can have anything you want in life, but nothing comes without sacrifice.
Years ago I asked a very successful business owner how he became successful (the business was making bunches of millions of dollars a year). He told me that you had to be willing to not see your family and to work long hours. I don’t necessarily agree that is the only way but it proves a point.
If you want to have a happy family, a good social life, hobbies, etc, you will most likely not be as successful as if you devoted 100% of yourself to your success. People that want a balanced life may be happier but they will most likely not be as successful.
You can have anything you want, but you can have EVERYTHING you want. There are trade offs. Be intentional what you are trading and understand, to the best of your ability, the consequences of your actions.
20. Habits and routine make room for creativity, growth, and decisions
You only have a limited capacity for decisions each day. Once it’s gone, your ability to make the “right” decisions plummets.
This is why Steve Jobs (and others) wore the same outfit each day. It’s why some people eat the same food each day. The more decisions you have to make, the faster you start making less-than-optimal decisions. That is why habits are your friend.
Habits reduce many actions to the unconscious level leaving our decision making capacity for more important issues. Just think, if you had to decide when to get up each morning, what to eat, what plate to use, which route to take to work, what to do in the car (listen to podcasts, I hope….), when to arrive at work, what to eat for lunch, etc. And we’ve not even thought about social media or your phone.
You can only do so much during the day. You can’t focus on everything. Developing good habits and routines help reduce your cognitive load so you can concentrate on the interesting stuff of life.
21. Be spontaneous (but plan it in advance……)
Yes, you can be spontaneous in a planned fashion. If you don’t plan the important things in life, your life will pass on by without being lived.
A few years ago, I decided to do Spontaneous Family Adventures once a month or so. We might drive to Prattville and go to Milos (3 hours one way) or go to the beach, or any number of fun things. Often times, it’s not a major plan, just something fun to do. Spontaneous, but planned.
22. Splurge on the things that matter most to you and ruthlessly cut spending on the things that don’t
This is a concept directly from Ramit Sethi and one that can better be understood by reading his book I Will Teach You To Be Rich (spamy title, I know…..)
It’s a simple concept but not easy to implement. It goes something like this:
Decide what are the things in life that really, really mean a lot to you (like travel, clothes, a fancy car, etc). Spend as much money as you can on those things (should only be a few).
Decide what are the things in life that don’t matter that much (like travel, clothes, a fancy car, etc) and reduce your spending to as little as possible.
In real life, it looks like this: Say you really like cars. You read books on cars, you look online at cars, you work on cars, etc. You are IN to cars. Travel, not so much. Sure, you like to go to nice places but going down to the local beach is right up your alley or not traveling for months and months.
Take all of the money you would spend on travel and spend it on cars. Don’t travel or travel very little.
Simple, but not necessarily easy.
Works in reverse (and all sorts of other ways): be content driving an 11 year old car so you can take your family on monthly adventures and quarterly mini-vacations.
You can decide what is important to you and how to spend your money. Don’t let other people decide for you. Peer pressure is still a thing, even as adults, but only if you let it be. The more you care about what “everybody” thinks, they less control you have over your life.
23. Don’t confuse busyness with productivity
And it’s easy to do.
Yes you are busy. You may be too busy to do something like spend time with your family, spend time on yourself, enjoy nature. You may be getting a lot of stuff done, but you also may be doing a lot of stuff but getting nothing done.
We all have the same number of hours in a week. I choose to spend my lunch hours during the week reading most of the time. Rarely do I read at any other time. Is that busyness or productivity? Well, it depends…
Gathering information, reading, learning… all of that is important. Personally, I feel it is one of the most important things I do with my life. But all that time reading or doing other busy tasks during lunch could be used to work on a side business, something that I’ve wanted to do for years and have yet to be successful with.
Maybe it’s answering email at work. Maybe it’s cutting grass at home. Sure, you are getting stuff done but how do those tasks help you further your life goals?
Ask yourself, am I doing stuff or getting something accomplished? Stuff still needs to be done but if you aren’t accomplishing something, you’re just watching time go by.
24. Learn about and understand risk management and mitigation
Nothing is without risk, but you want to limit the downside and expand the up side as much as possible (feasible). Also known as asymmetric risk vs. reward. Why risk a dollar to gain two dollars when you can risk a quarter to gain five dollars. Why risk five dollars to gain one dollar.
Most of the time, this is information and education. If you don’t know what can happen, you can’t plan for it. If you don’t plan for various situations, you can’t reduce/mitigate the risk. You won’t be able to eliminate all of the risk but you’d be surprised how much you can reduce your risk by proper planning.
Chances are really good you already do a bit of risk mitigation by investing in insurance. You pay a little bit along but if something major happens, insurance helps prevent a catastrophic failure.
25. Fasting is tough but (most likely) worth it
From a health benefit, fasting has great potential. It can help remove old, defective cells in your body and thus, help prevent some forms (maybe all forms) of cancer before the are considered cancer.
It can drastically alter your relationship with food. Drastically……
I’m not a doctor, I don’t play one on the internet so don’t believe what I say, do some research yourself. Consider trying a fast for yourself.
For me, this year, I tried to fast 24 hour per week, 3 days per month, and 7 days twice a year. That did not happen exactly according to plan, but I did complete a 6+ day fast, several 3 day fast, and a bunch of 24 hour fasts. I plan to do the next 7 day fast by the end of the year.
You don’t realize how much time you spend eating, preparing food, thinking about food, etc until you fast. Even if you throw out the health benefits, fasting will teach you that skipping your morning coffee (or lunch) will not kill you as many people believe.
And before you say anything, I’ve done a 7 day water (and unsweat tea…) fast while going to work (normal work week, office job), teaching three Krav Maga classes that week, and doing four 45 minute cardio kickboxing with the only personal side effects was being a little quicker to run out of energy. I even did a bunch of burpees because that was what I was doing that week.
Yes it’s possible, no it’s not easy, and yes it’s that simple.
For more information about fasting and all sorts of great information, check out Dr Peter Attia. His podcast, The Drive, is often difficult to understand with all of the medical stuff but he does a good job of explaining things so even a non-medical person (muggle???) can understand it.
26. Things are Fragile, Robust, or Antifragile
This concept is from the book Antifragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Not an easy book to get through but it’s one of those I’ve read twice (once recently) and will be read on a regular basis just to soak in more and more of the lessons.
It’s important to understand each concept and how they apply to you, your actions, and the people/actions/objects in your world.
If something is fragile, it is made worse by disorder. Think about a china plate; if you drop it (and increase the entropy/disorder), it breaks and is often rendered useless or less useful. Many things in life are like this.
If something is robust, it is less effected by disorder or not effected at all. Think about a classic book. As entropy/disorder of time increases, a good, classic book stands the test of time. It doesn’t get any better (maybe more relevant) but it doesn’t get any worse. Walden by Henry David Thoreau is still the same book when it was published in 1854. It is robust. It has (so far…) stood the test of time.
If something is Antifragile, it gets better through disorder. Think about your body. If you break a bone, it most often heals stronger. If you eat a variety of different foods, you are most likely, healthier. If you are exposed to germs, you develop antibodies that will keep you healthier in the future.
Read the book. Take notes. Figure out how you can move as much of your life into the Antifragile category and away from the Fragile. While you are at it, all of Taleb’s books are pretty good so go read them all.
27. Have a growth mindset
You either have a fixed mindset (where you believe your intelligence or skills are set) or a growth mindset (where you believe you can improve yourself).
Most people have a fixed mindset in most of their lives. They believe their computer skills, or their intelligence, spelling ability, math skills, etc, are beyond their control to improve. And they are most likely right.
But there are people who welcome feedback. They believe that challenges are a chance to grow and become better. They can learn from their mistakes and get better and better. They are also right.
What’s the difference? A decision. If you decide you can improve yourself, you can. If you decide you can’t, then why try.
If you give a child a fixed mindset, they will constantly try to avoid challenges, stick to stuff they are sure to excel at, be defensive when questioned, blame others, give up when the going gets tough, and take failure personal (among other things).
If you give a child a growth mindset, they will be drawn to challenges and hard tasks, delve into new skills where they may fail, accept criticism and feedback, take ownership of their actions, stick with hard or undesirable tasks longer, and learn from their mistakes (and hopefully, the mistakes of others).
There are a lot of resources on this subject but my personal favorite is Mindset: The New Psychology of Success Paperback by Carol S. Dweck. It’s worth adding to your reading list.
28. If you want to get good at something (anything….), you MUST practice deliberately
This is why you’ve played backyard football or pickup basketball for years and years but have NEVER gotten as good as many good high school or college players. Deliberate practice.
This is also why some people become better at catching fish, why some people learn new skills and languages, and why your proficiency at most things have plateaued. Deliberate practice.
And that’s not doing the skill. If that was the case, we’d ALL be excellent drivers and for those of us in Mobile, we can EASILY point to drivers that need more practice (and attention). You must practice the whole skill and the discrete parts, all while actually focusing on what you are doing. Yep, you have to pay attention.
Deliberate practice. Not action or even deliberate action. Deliberate practice. That means going to the gym and not only lifting heavier weights but also getting better at the your mechanics.
Deliberate practice is why Michael Jordan is Michael Jordan. Sure, there is quite a bit of luck and natural talent, but remember, he didn’t do all that great in baseball, just basketball.
And why Kobe Bryant doesn’t end his practice until he makes several hundred (as many as 400) shots, not counting what he does in team training.
If you want to get better at something, practice deliberately.
29. You don’t rise to the occasion, you fall to your level of training (or experience)
If you don’t have relevant training or experience, you will often freeze. This is not against you personally. You will not get magically better if under stress. Sure, you’ll perform better under stress. You’ll win the game, you’ll save the victim.
No, you won’t. You will only do what you have trained yourself to do. If you haven’t prepared, then you have trained to do unexpected things. Luck will hopefully help but you can only do what you can only do.
“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” That applies to driving, to self defense, to talking to your boss, to almost anything in life. You are not going to wing it and outperform your training. You won’t.
But, through training, you will get better. You can learn how to react to certain situations and that reaction will overflow into other situations. The more you prepare in one area (or many areas) of life, the better you will be at the rest of life.
Remember stress inoculation? Yep, that’s training. If you can only do something (defend yourself, shoot, make a cake, drive) when things are calm, you will fall apart when the situation changes and becomes crazy. Get use to doing the things that are important to you in a variety of situations. Get use to the chaos slowly and deliberately.
Embrace the stress and the chaos and let it make you a better person.
30. People understand and remember stories
Facts and figures, not so much. But tell someone an interesting story and they’ll be retelling it for centuries (such as The Odyssey by Homer). If it rhymes, even better, which is why jingles and certain sayings stick around in our minds for years and years.
31. Two is one and one is none
Always have a backup (stuff, plans, etc). If one fails, you can still complete your task. Stuff breaks. People are not dependable. Karma happens. Having a backup gives you a little bit of room to figure out what is next.
You can’t always carry two of everything but for the critical things in life, always have a backup.
32. All good rednecks carry pocket knives
… and I carry 3 (typically). This is a saying I usually pull out as I am asked if anyone has a knife to cut something, open a box, etc.
I’ve carried a pocket knife most of my life. It may be a southern thing, but I think EVERYONE needs to carry a pocket knife (even if you are not a redneck). And I’m not talking about a big honkin’ knife. Just something that can cut boxes (sparingly, it tends to dull them quickly), cut string/rope, or anything else but people (we’ll get to that in a second).
My favorite pocket knife is a Kershaw Chive. It’s a small little knife that is assisted open (you just press a little bump on the blade to get it started and it flips out). It has come in handy on multiple occasions from gardening (harvesting banana peppers) to opening boxes at work to cutting smallish rope and string. When I get home in the evenings, I empty my pockets and then put back my house keys and my pocket knife.
Then there is my second knife, a Swiss Army Classic knife (in red, of course…) on my keychain. These things tend to last forever and best of all, they have scissors! Many of straw have been spiral cut for my kids when they were younger, as well as small pieces of thread, fingernails (not a great idea), and other smallish items. My current one has been on my keys for 10+ years. Invaluable.
Third knife is a defensive knife. No one likes to think about being assaulted but it happens. You can learn all of the self defense, Krav Maga, BJJ, etc you want but if you are fighting for your life, the more tools you have the better.
This knife has only one job. It doesn’t open boxes or cut string, clean fingernails, etc. It has never been used and will hopefully last the rest of my life without ever needing to be used.
Knives can be very dangerous and effective tools to those who know how to us them. This leads right into the saying, “Knives should be felt, never seen.” If you see someone waving a knife around, they are most often crazy and dangerous and should be avoided at all cost. People that really know how to use knives will never let you see their chosen tool until it’s too late.
33. If you have to tell someone you’re in charge…. you aren’t
This one can be tough, but once you learn it, you’ll see examples in a lot of places (mostly in business but also in families and interpersonal interactions) and maybe, in yourself.
It’s much better to show that you are in charge by controlling your emotions, making decisions, and being clear (to yourself and others) what you will tolerate and what you will not.
But never fall into the trap of walking into a situation and announcing that you are in charge…. because often times, no one believes you (even YOU don’t believe what you are saying)
34. Understand your OODA loop and how to disrupt others
The OODA loop (Observe, Orient, Decide, Act) is a mental model created by John Boyd, a fighter pilot, and has been used in a variety of situations. It goes like this:
Say you are driving down the road and see something run out in front of you (Observe). You realize that the something is a dog (Orient). You decide to hit the brakes but not swerve due to other cars (Decide), then you hit the brakes and avoid the dog (Act).
Now, say you are in the same situation but it’s a squirrel (or tree rat… 😉 ). You see something run out in front of you (Observe). You realize said something is a tree rat (Orient). You decide to brake, since you are a nice person, then the little varmint stops and changes direction. This is before you have acted so now, you Observe the tree rat running a different way, you Orient yourself to the new direction (toward the edge of the road), you Decide to gently press on the brakes and as you act, the thing stops and runs along the side of the road. And you start your OODA loop all over again.
This can all be happening in milliseconds, but it’s time none the less.
Each time something happens, you have to observe that something. If your OODA loop is fast or the happenings are slow, you have time to go through your loop and get back to the Observe. But if things interrupt your loop in the middle, you start back over.
This is the idea of getting inside someone’s OODA loop. If things are happening too fast for you to realize what is going on, someone (or something) is inside you OODA loop. This can range from being interesting to being annoying, to being dangerous or deadly.
If you get hit in the head, you have to:
- Realize something happened to you (Observe)
- Identify that you were just hit in the head (Orient)
- Decide to defend yourself or “put up your dukes” (Decide)
- Get to fighting back or getting away (Act)
But what happens if you get hit, then before you realize what happened, you get hit again, and again and again. Someone is inside your OODA loop, you are incapable of action, and most likely in a world of hurt.
Understand the OODA loop, learn to recognize the steps in other people and when necessary (or maybe just for fun….), learn how to disrupt their loop.
35. Make your everyday stance your fighting stance
This one is from a very old book written by a very famous samurai named Miyamoto Musashi . The book is The Book of Five Rings. It’s a really good book and not that long.
One key concept is to make your everyday stance your fighting stance. To me, that means acting the same way in most situations in life.
If I am standing, waiting to cross the street in the morning, I am standing a certain way watching my surroundings. When I am in a crowd, I am standing a certain way watching my surroundings. When I am talking to coworkers, I am standing a certain way and watching my surroundings.
Yes, I am a little paranoid but not aluminum foil hat paranoid. I just like to be prepared. The more consistent I am with my movements, the easier it is for me to react.
My everyday stance is my fighting stance. My fighting stance is my everyday stance. Most of the time, this is important when things go sideways.
Let’s take driving as an example: you don’t (well, you shouldn’t) drive wild and crazy to work and safe and slow when you have your family in the car. Every time you get in a car to drive, you need to be driving the best you can. Defensive driving (fighting stance) should be how you drive all the time (everyday stance).
One more example many Krav Maga students I’ve taught will recognize; how to get up off the floor. If you are on the floor, there are almost an infinite number of ways you can go from the floor to standing up. My suggestion is to get up the same way you would if you were in a fight.
By doing things the same way no matter the circumstance, you make that behavior or set of movements more and more likely to happen when you are stressed. If you want to get technical, you are building up more myelin (insulation) around your neural paths for that behavior. That’s how habits get formed (good and bad) and how you react in a certain way before you realize you are reacting that way.
So, to accomplish this task, you perform a technical standup. It’s hard to explain but here is a video.
Now, every time you get off the floor, do a technical standup. It gets easier the more you do it. And when you need to get up off the floor in a safe manner, you’re more likely to do so. It’s one small way that I’ve found to make my fighting stance my everyday stance and maybe, help me stay safe.
36. People make mistakes (but they shouldn’t lie about them)
Things happen. People make dumb decisions. If they lie about it, something is fundamentally wrong. I can forgive just about anything but lying.
Mistakes can often be fixed, lying is a character flaw that is much, much harder to correct, especially if the offending person doesn’t want to get better.
Only you can decide how much lying you can tolerate.
Lie to me once, shame on you. Lie to me twice, shame on me.
37. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now
This concept can be generalized for many situations in life. Sure, you should have invested in Apple back before Steve Jobs came back. You should have lost weight, did more fun stuff, saved more, spent more time with the kids, started that business, etc.
Yep, you most likely should have. Don’t let regret keep you from starting now. You won’t have the same time as you would have, but at least you can get started.
38. One of the greatest concepts in the world is compounding, specifically compounding interest
If you don’t know how important compounding interest is, please, PLEASE, take the time to understand the concept. Here are some good links to get started:
- https://www.smartdollar.com/blog/the-magic-of-compound-interest
(includes a variation of my favorite story involving compounding interest, where 10 years of investing and compounding interest beats a later start and 20 years of investing by almost 2x) - https://www.daveramsey.com/blog/how-teens-can-become-millionaires
- https://www.fool.com/how-to-invest/thirteen-steps/step-1-change-your-life-with-one-calculation.aspx
And compounding is not all about money. Consider learning. You start with basic math, adding and subtracting. From there, you go into fractions, decimals, Algebra, Geometry, Linear Algebra, Calculus, and on and on. You don’t learn 12 years of basic math, you progress from basic math to Calculus.
Each step build upon the previous step. Each dollar you save/invest helps you earn more in the future.
39. If you have a hammer (or your most comfortable with hammers), everything looks like a nail (or needs to be pounded on to be fixed)
Mostly, this is about specialization and mental models. If you have only dealt with problems in a certain way, and if you have been successful, chances are good that every future problem will start looking similar. If you get mad and the problem resolves itself, you keep getting mad and the problems keep going away.
Some problems need yelling. Some problems need quiet reflection. Some need action. Some need inaction. Most are similar. All are different.
If you are having problems with a situation or an issue, ask yourself if you are treating this problem like a nail when it’s not.
If you are interested in mental models, check out Seeking Wisdom by Peter Blevin. Although I’ve only read it once, it’s on the list to buy and read over and over (and over)
40. Actions have obvious consequences, not so obvious consequences, and unintended consequences
We often do things for the obvious consequences. Those obvious consequences are easy to see.
Some people think of the not so obvious consequences of their actions. Those are harder to see. Things like opportunity costs and paths in life. When you do one thing, by definition, you don’t do the opposite or any of an infinite number of choices. If you buy the new car, you can’t buy the new truck with the same money, or take the trip, or save the money for retirement.
If you decide to go to work in a certain city, you are not going to work in another city. Your life is continuously tweaked, adjusted, and down right discombobulated all by our choices and actions (in good ways and bad).
It’s the unintended consequences that sneak up on you. It’s when you offer a piece of candy to get a toddler to play quietly and realize the toddler has trained you to feed them candy when they get loud. Or how cats will wake up at 4 am for food and when they are fed, they learn just the right way to annoy us into action.
Or how we encourage employees to go after sales only to realize that the sales they are making are actually costing the company money in product costs AND sales commission. In this situation, employees are paid and encouraged to cost the company money.
Or when we tell our kids how smart (or pretty, or whatever) they are instead of how hard they worked toward a problem, how much of a friend they were to someone, or how much fun it looked like they were having even when they did not win.
They learn that being smart (or pretty) is something that they are and they fight to maintain that level of external recognition, not wanting to fail or lose that. They learn to do whatever it takes to maintain that label. They learn that the outside world controls who they are.
Of course, you and I know differently…..
41. Do something that scares you everyday (or as often as possible)
Systematic desensitization. Expanding your horizons. Call it what you want, but if you are presented with a situation where all you feel is fear, consider leaning in to that fear.
Sure, talking to strangers can be hard and scary. So is starting a first business, learning a new language, going to new places, and snakes (those can be the worst….)
If you can’t tolerate heights, find a safe way to get use to heights. Start out low and work your way up. Or start at the very top. If you don’t like snakes (you are in good company….), find a way to get more comfortable being closer to them. You may not like it, but you need to get use to them.
It’s not snakes or heights, it’s the idea that external factors can drastically shape our behavior, in good but mostly, bad ways. If you are afraid of snakes, you most likely won’t go walking in the woods. You would miss all of the beauty nature has to offer, all because you are worried that a snake might be there.
You shouldn’t let your fear tell you what you can and can’t do. I almost said you can’t let your fear control you but really, you can… and most people do.
Most people see what they want to do, and it’s on the other side of fear, so they never do it. And it’s not that they have to be brave or not scared, they just have to be willing to do it even if it scares them. If you are afraid of snakes, that’s okay, go hiking anyway.
Embrace the fear. Learn to live with it. If you have to, do it scared. Do whatever you want, even when you are scared or terrified, or worried, or uncertain. Don’t let fear stop you from living.
It’s simple, but it’s not easy.
42. You overestimate what you can do in a day but underestimate what you can do in a year
If you’ve ever had a to-do list (or a “Honey Do” list….), you’ll understand how much you think you can accomplish in a day and how little you can actually get accomplished.
Chances are good that you have a long daily to-do list but a non-existent monthly or yearly to do list (a.k.a “Bucket List”). You foolishly believe the future will take care of itself, that you will have time to do the good things in life, that you are too busy for all that kind of stuff.
And all the while, you are staying busy, putting things on your daily to-do list and not taking time to imagine how you life would be different if you could just accomplish this one thing (or this short list) during this year.
Every so often you may think back at the years that have passed and wonder where the time went.
43. Pay attention to what people do, less about what they say they will do
We say we want to get healthier. We say we want to spend more time with our family. We might even say that our religion is the most important thing in our lives.
But do we? Is it?
The truth is in our actions. If you want to understand the things you and others really care about, look at how you and they spend their money.
You can say anything you want but unless you put action behind it, those are just words.
44. Learn to make non-disastrous, reversible decisions quickly
This one has been one of the toughest I’ve wanted to learn. By default, for a number of years, decisions were tough. Maybe it was the FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) or the lack of information, who knows. I just lumped in all into analysis paralysis.
After listening to an episode of the podcast Masters of Scale (not sure which one unfortunately…), I decided to try to change that in a more focused way. Not only does it save time but often, reduces anxiety related to decisions if that is your issue (or part of your issue, like it still is with me).
It’s really 2 major parts: Make a preliminary decision and deciding what information will change you mind (and get that information, and realizing that most decisions are reversible, sometimes very easily.
Let’s look at the first one, Make a decision and decide what information that will change your mind and look for that information. If you want to move fast (or just not move slow), you need to make decisions. If you wait for 100% information, besides being mostly impossible, it will take too long. If you waited for 80% information, chances are you are moving too slow.
Start with limited information and make the best decision you can, then think about what you could learn with more research that would change your mind.
Think of buying a TV. You see one in an advertisement online. It looks just like what you want. Then, you click through the link to see bunches and bunches of different models. How do you choose? You could spend hours comparing and contrasting and still not get any closer. Or, you could spend a reasonable amount of time (30 minutes… 1 hour? whatever works for you) and decide on the best one you can find.
Then, think about what would make you decide on a different TV. For me, it would be a better price, or a better model at a better price, or realizing a feature is not that important, or even the opinion of a trusted friend that is really into TVs. If you really wanted a TV with a builtin Roku (not the best idea in my opinion) that was a certain brand and you talked to your friend who generally likes Roku but hates that brand, that might change your mind.
Of course, then the search starts all over again but with more constraints (avoid that brand). It gets easier the next time when you repeat the process.
If you are like me, you’ll never be able to compare similar but different items and make a decision that you will be happy with. You will spend hours upon hours researching things that in the big picture, really don’t matter. Make a decision, decide what it would take to change your mind, and go in search for that information. It will help.
The second part is about reversible decisions. Rarely in life are we presented with decisions that can’t be reversed. If we take job A, we can always leave that job if it’s not a good fit. If we move to a new city and realize the mistake, we can try again. Sure, it might be expensive or painful, but it’s not the end of the world.
Too much time (especially in my life) has been devoted to making decisions that really don’t matter all that much. Should you buy this phone or that? What about that coffee table? Is Atlanta the right place for the next family vacation?
Doesn’t really matter. One phone or the other. Both will most likely work and unless the cost is so high you’ll only be able to afford one phone for the next 5 years, just pick one. A coffee table is just a coffee table, regardless of how much Ikea sells it for. Unless you really mess up the plans, Atlanta is a great place to visit since you can do something completely different each time you are there.
Again, most decisions are reversible and you’ll never have all the information you want or feel you will need. Start making small decisions with less thought, as long as they are reversible. Learn to identify the information you need to change your mind and be willing to not only go after that information, but to actually change your mind when necessary.
Summary
So, 44 thoughts, 44 books, 44 years. Above are the thoughts, below are the books (plus some more) and the years, well, the years are the years.
Above all, I hope you decide to dedicate some time starting today to reading. If you are a fiction-only person, choose to read a non-fiction book for ever 3 or so fiction books. Find some subjects you really like and learn about them. Learn about yourself. Learn how to make the people around you like you more. Learn more skills, read about history, explore viewpoints from people you don’t agree with.
Audiobooks are great but there is something about a real, physical book that changes things. Ebooks are a close second, but to me, you just can’t beat a real book for most situations.
44+ Books
This year, so far, I’ve read and listened to 49 books (so far). Of that 49, 29 were physical books or ebooks. The shortest one was 96 pages, the longest was 610 pages. I’ve listened to 19 audiobooks with the shortest being only 38 minutes and the longest, a whopping 35h 1m.
Overall, I’ve read 8,741 pages, listened to over 154 hours of audiobooks, and spent $19.12 on reading and listening material. It doesn’t have to be expensive to read a bunch of books. The library is your friend.
I’m always looking for ideas for great books to read. If you know of any, let me know. My current list is over 650 books and was compiled from several “Top Books To Read In Your Lifetime” or influential books and such.
- Laws of medicine (shortest book – 96 pages)
- p32 – If you fail to use prior information, you will inevitably make foolish judgements about the future. This is the way we intuit the world, Bayes argued. There is no absolute knowledge; there is only conditional knowledge. History repeats itself – and so do statistical patterns. The past is the best guide to the future
- Antifragile
- p85 – …avoidance of small mistakes makes the larger ones more severe
- Skin in the Game
- p105 – What matters isn’t what a person has or doesn’t have; it is what he or she is afraid of losing
- The Alchemist
- Thinking in Bets
- p223 – …people who imagine obstacles in the way of reaching their goals are more likely to achieve success…
- Norse Mythology
- Mating in Captivity
- Gut
- Get Certified Get Ahead: Security+ (longest book – 610 pages)
- One Hundred Years of Solitude
- Fight Club
- Mistakes were made (but not by me)
- p31 – Our convictions about who we are carry us through the day, and we are constantly interpreting the things that happen to us through the filter of those core beliefs
- Meditations
- Million Dollar Maverick
- p36 – The secret of our success is to understand to the best of our ability how others would prefer that we treat them, not to treat them as we’d want to be treated
- The Fish that Ate the Whale: The life and times of America’s Banana King
- Atomic Habits
- p38 – Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you want to become.
- Principles-Based Instruction for Self-Defense (And Maybe Life)
- Building a Story Brand
- p62 – Companies tend to sell solutions to external problems, but people buy solutions to internal problems
- Breathe
- p141 – [concerning sleep] REM {rapid eye movement} deprivations causes mild psychological disturbances, such as anxiety, irritability, hallucinations, and difficulty concentrating; moreover, it may cause appetite and aggression to increase
- Designing your life
- p7 – …people waste a lot of time working on the wrong problem. If they are lucky, they will fail miserably quickly and get forced by circumstance into working on better problems. If they are unlucky and smart, they’ll succeed – we call it the success disaster – and they wake up ten years later how the hell they got to wherever they are, and why they are so unhappy.
- Dichotomy of Leadership
- p185 – It was never our intent to have a fair fight. It was our job to maximize our advantages over the enemy
- How Adam Smith can change your life
- p68 – “The Universe is full of dots. Connect the right ones and you can draw anything. The important question is not whether the dots you picked are really there, but why you chose to ignore all the others.” (Sam Thomsen)
- Mind over Medicine
- p78 – Basically, your body ignores sleeping, digesting, and reproducing and instead focuses on running, breathing, thinking, and delivering oxygen and energy in order to keep you safe. When your body is facing a physical threat, these changes help you fight or flee the threat. But when the threat exists only in your mind, the body doesn’t realize that there is no bodily threat, and over time, when this stress response is repetitively triggered, nature’s biological response winds up actually doing more harm than good.
- Expert Secrets
- p23 – People will do anything for those who encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allay their fears, confirm their suspicions, and help them throw rocks at their enemies
- Titan (longest audiobook – 35h 1m)
- Fighting the Pain Resistant Attacker
- p697 – Self-defense is more than reacting quickly to a sudden threat; it’s also about preplanning, and understanding the incredible frailties and resiliencies of the human body.
- Surviving Mass Victim Attacks
- p57 – Personal security for mass victim attacks is the self-reliance on knowledge, awareness, known limitations and strengths, and types of responses you personally can perform to increase the probability of remaining alive when attacked
- The Bed of Procrustes
- Walden
- Range
- p130 – Learning stuff was less important than learning about oneself. Exploration is not just a whimsical luxury of education; it is a central benefit
- On Killing
- p61 [concerning training, drilling, and conditioning] We do it because, when people are frightened, it works. We do not tell school children what they should do in case of a fire, we condition them and when they are frightened, they do the right thing.
- p103 – “To neglect it is to indulge it”
- Finite and Infinite Games
- p19 To be prepared against surprise is to be trained. To be prepared for surprise is to be educated.
- Sprout Lands
- The Miracle of a Definite Chief Aim
- A Message to Garcia (shortest audiobook – 38m)
- The Prince
- Debt
- Don’t shoot the dog
- p88 [concerning training or memorizing] … if you divide up the task into, say, five sections, and memorize the sections in reverse order, starting with the last, you will always be going from weakness to strength, from the stuff you’re not quite sure of yet into the great, reinforcing, well memorized stuff you know well. Memorizing material in the order in which it was written and will be presented necessitates plowing continuously from familiar ground into the more difficult and unknown, a most unreinforcing experience.
- Coraline
- Can I see your hands
- Scam me if you can
- p315 The most important step you can take to prevent fraud is to educate yourself on the latest threats and frauds using the many resources available, including AARP’s Fraud Watch.
- Musings Of A Budo Bum
- p48 If you don’t practice, you don’t improve, but you also don’t pick up any bad habits. If you rush something, you are doing it at the wrong speed, which is just wrong. If you don’t have a lot of time, just do what you have time to do properly.
- p49 When you are working on a technique… hard training gets in the way of good training and can turn into bad training. Adding muscle [or speed]… does not improve technique. Oddly though, adding technical skill does make muscle more effective.
- Anthem
- Payoff
- p20 “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose” – Viktor Frankl
- p87 [in business/careers/jobs] It is relatively easy to create goodwill. All we need is an encouraging word here and there, a gift from time to time, and a sincere look in the eyes. But we also need to keep in mind that goodwill is fragile. Supporting it is easy, but destroying it is even easier.
- Getting Things Done
- You, unstuck
- The Stress-Proof Brain
- p102 [concerning change and deciding to view it in a positive way] Our amygdalae are designed to view lack of control and unpredictability as threats to survival and to react by triggering the stress response. Unfortunately, change and uncertainty are facts of life in the modern world
- Mortal Engines
- One Simple Idea
Other interesting books you might want to consider reading
- The Graveyard Book (fiction)
- The Checklist Manifesto (nonfiction)
- The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (nonfiction)
- The Four Tendencies (nonfiction)
- The Five Love Languages (nonfiction)
- The Fountainhead (fiction)
- Conflict Communication (nonfiction)
- Facing Violence (nonfiction)
- The Power of Habit (nonfiction)
- Moonwalking with Einstein (nonfiction)
- Surely You’re Joking Mr. Feynman (nonfiction)
- 59 Seconds (nonfiction)
- Seeking Wisdom (nonfiction)
- Deskbound (nonfiction)
- A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (nonfiction)
- The Invisible Gorilla – And Other Ways Our Intuitions Deceive Us (nonfiction)
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